I write whatever I want, my english are bad to be honest. If you hate bahasa rojak and you are a grammar police, my blog is not a great place for you to visit. Peace.
My soul is sick.
I dont trust anyone.

I think I am in depression,
and I dont know what to do

being alone....

When I was in maktab, I seldomly spend time alone.
I went back to dorm after evening prep alone,
I went to class night prep alone. min
during weekend, I sometimes ate lunch alone,
I went to surau alone ,
all alone.

I think I want to bring back my old habit,
I want to go to class alone,
I want to go 7eleven during night alone,
I want to do everything alone,
I cant because I dont want to build any gap between my roommates,
they are amazing, it just my ways arent the same ways as they have.

I feel lonely, of course.
I do, but I dont mind.
I dont mind at all.

Why I cant...

Why I cant draw,
Why I cant be beautiful,
Why I cant just read without brain storming,
Why I cant have something that always wanted,
Why I cant live a day without stress,
Why I cant move on,


I questioned so many things to God, I havent find the answer, or probably God already gave but my heart couldnt see it. Its been only a few weeks and I am crying right now . I miss my family, I miss my old friends back in high school, I miss being proud of myself whenever I achived something good.

Or should I start writting my gratitude list?

Being able to enter college/university,
Met a few great friends,
Great room,
Have money to buy food,
Have all the stationaries to study, to write, to draw
My parents are still alive,
My family are supportive,
Being able to walk,
Being able to see,
Being able to talk,
Being able to live as normal life.

Why I cant be grateful for what I have?

Week 1, at UniKL RCMP.


Alhamdullilah, today is Sunday, and Im writting this at night. Tomorrow I have one class which is Biochemistry. I dont know what to study since we havent get any notes and we still cant download notes from the vle websites because our mentor (or the department) havent approve our registered subjects *cried*

Anyway, its been already 2weeks i've stayed here (the first week was welcoming and orientation week a.k.a WOW) , but i considered last week was week 1 since it was week 1 dah start belajar.

Before I entered , I was googling, stalking RCMP's students at Instagram for gambar hostel, info, the life here etc. I know some people who will entering RCMP (might be you lol) will do the same things i did hahahahhaa. So yea welcome to my blog where I might post a lot about my new 'chapter' of life here.

I wish I take gambar bilik masa daftar but sadly I didnt BUT i will upload it as soon as I can ! *finger cross* . So the first year students dapat stay hostel at the new building so everything is new and still lawa jangan risau. Tapi my batch dapat stay hostel for only 1 semester but the senior atas kami dapat setahun (or more) so i dont really know tapi yang penting nanti you still need to look for rumah sewa nanti . One of complicated thing bila belajar di UniKL *sigh* The good thing here is kt unikl rcmp memang kt tengah2 bandar ipoh. Its took 10 minutes of walking to Ipoh Parade, 3 minutes to UO Supermarket hahaha. Depan unikl ado restaurant, 7e. So senang la juga nak makan or beli barang. :)

Anyway, setakat ni Alhamdullilah , seniors semua sporting, baik , the lecturers are okay . Cuma english is the 'main' language here masa belajar so kena cepat la for those yang englishnya lemah like me haaaaa. Class pula dekat new building so still lawa plus kelas sejuuuuuuuk. The nursing students semester 1 dah start belajar (kind of practical) dekat hospital so im not really sure how often they ada dalam kelas. Sorry.

I have 61 classmates (budak-budak course dip pharmacy) . 4 semesters belajar di campus and the other 2 semesters practical di hospital kerajaan. Im still in Sem 1 lol so I cannot go more deeper to give you info for pharmacy.

For those who dislike or weak at Chemistry and join course Pharmacy, CONGRATULATIONS YOU NEED TO LEARN CHEMISTRY AGAIN ! For semester 1 you will also need to learn Pengajian Malaysia (macam Sejarah) and Pertahanan Siswa Siswi (YOU NEED TO KAWAD) . Ada lagi subjects but Im too lazy to write it down lol.

For yuran, yuran pendaftaran you need to bayar sendiri, yuran pengajian MARA or PTPTN akan bayarkan. But right now we havent apply yet for eduloan mara sebab tak bukak pun websitesnya. PTPTN akan tangguh for only 75% je . Elaun dapat juga kot (but if im not mistaken students gaji parents atas rm10k tak dapat) . MARA pula, parents gaji atas RM15k takboleh apply eduloan, and those budak yang dah masuk uni lain before unikl (contohnya masuk uitm tetiba tukar unikl) pun takboleh mohon. Thats what our ketua orientasi told us so I dont really know about it sorry.

I have nothing more to write here since baru seminggu belajar. I will write more if I have the free time! I hope this post help you a lil bit about UniKL RCMP. Bye.

More to glad than regret?

"I can't wait to finish SPM and get the hell out of here"
"Nanti menyesal cakap macamtu"- (a senior)

Nope, I dont regret. 

End of high school, the place where people said that its the most memorable one instead of primary school. Indeed, I agreed with that. I couldnt remember all things I learned in maktab, there were too much. Too, too much. 

I started my high school not so great to be honest. Classmates, seniors, all of those dramas, shit rumours people made about me like they knew me so fcking well and stupid things I did.  I dont really like to remember it. Lets be real, siapa je suka kenangan pahit dan things we did that were really really embarassing. lol.

Anyway, my 2 last years in maktab were great. Classmates yang gila and more helpful then the old ones (but i still love my 12/14 mutiara, except for the boys) , very 'family-like-feel' homeroommates. They are the only reasons why I enjoyed my 'senior year' in maktab.  Oh, and also my Mutiara 12/14 girls and 'crush' . Danggg, I miss makan2 petang and gossiping with them. <3 div="" nbsp="">

but, there was time i prefer to be lonely. I usually walked alone during turun kelas for prep malam and balik dorm from prep petang. I really like to balik dorm lambat, class was my favourite place when I was form 5. I know, it weird but seriously i like to sit in class instead of dorm (probably because i was a LDP that time and rasa malas gila nak kerja taktahan lol) sorry miss marlia, but being LDP taught me that jadi pemimpin is so hard and lagi2 kena bekerja dengan other organization who hate you. (being honest here) . ok kisah lama *tutup*

After the wardens made the rules become so strict, i just wanna get out of there as soon as possible. But the wardens are actually a really really really nice. Just, the students dont appreciate that or dah biasa sangat the rules lama2. idk.

 I thought a lot of things and changes i wanted to do after i get out from here. Tukar number, buang every school uniforms, leave all whatsapp group, rasa malas nak contact balik dengan budak-budak maktab. But I cant do that, because I was attached to them for so long , until now. I ended up still use the same number, stay in every whatsapp groups except for mutiara 12/14 and 4 mutiara 2015. 4 mutiara group dah lama left sebab masa f5 adanya kelas mentor so ramai pindah kelas, a year takcukup to 'attach' bond classmates yang kuat lol plus most of classmates still masuk kelas 5 mutiara so group tu memang dah takguna. Mutiara 12/14, i left that group during SPM. Paling semak sebab tak aktif langsung. But I made a new group termasuklah budak-budak pindah tgb/gov sebab nak tahu perkembangan cerita mereka. (kemain nak left group maktab last2 buat group hahahaha). 

I moved to new primary school when I was eleven, I was very sad nak masuk sekolah menengah because i didnt want to leave my old primary school friends, like really really sad. Thats are probably why I didnt regret saying 'Tak sabar nak habis SPM' , not because i didnt get great life during that time, my friends was DA BOMB ! I enjoyed my life that time. Because, I already had enough with high school life, i wanted to be in next 'chapter'.

Thats is part of life , there are 'stages' you need to get through, like it or not, want it or not, you just have to jump into it. My high school, no, 'maktab life' ended. All the good and bad things became memories. All we can do is to wish an impossible wish. 'Can i go back to high school life again'. (But I never have that wish beause I dont want to go back to maktab because i hate wearing school uniforms.)

I miss it, of course, I miss them. My teachers, my classmates, my homeroommates. All I can do is to just keep contact with them and remember them as long as I can.

Part that I gonna miss,

1. Bangun subuh , pergi surau pakai telekung + pakai seluar sweatpant bercorak 
2. Lepak di DS during weekend tengok drama .
3. Fikir alasan atau sebab nak lalu depan kelas crush. (during 2016 sebab kelas dekat).
4. Jalan sesorang balik dorm after prep petang (I like doing that I dont know why).
5. Lepak dengan kawan, gossip until 1-3 am or tengok movie dekat bilik study.
6. Jalan dengan classmates perempuan ! especially balik dorm after prep malam. The best wei.
7. UNGA and minggu aktiviti 2016 poem perfomances (we won!)
9. Bermanja dengan cikgu saliana (she's been with me since f1 sampai f5) (tice if you read my blog again i really miss you :( )
10. Lepak dekat pejabat miss marlia.
11. Sesi luahan dengan roommates (with mila especially because she became my roommates during f1,f2 and f5)
12. Kena denda dengan cikgu adam .
13. Your friends sang you a birthday song. (small thing already enough to make me happy)
14. Me and Elsa left the dataran DDO because we wanted to skip 'motivational cheer and speech).
16. Camp f1 and f4, we walked around area bakri dari petang sampai malam-malam buta (that camp 'merapatkan hubungan silaturrahim' antara classmates baru) .
17. Ceramah ustaz FAUZI ! My fave ceramah ustaz. The other Ustazs are also okay but Ustaz fauzi is my fave.
18. LANGUAGE WEEK 2013 ! Drama team were the best ! but I dont miss being Linda , I had to seduce a form 5 guy in a VERY FLIRTY WAY.
20. Beli burger, lol. (shoutout for those who selalu jadi tukang order)

Camp? Gotong-royong? I hate that. Not gonna include them into list. (except for number 16 because that camp is the ONLY AND ONLY camp I enjoyed)